OVER THE PAST FIVE PLUS YEARS I’ve noticed a pattern in my behavior that has progressively gotten worse. I treat exercise and healthy home cooking as an “extra—nice-to-have,” but not necessary. What bumps them off my schedule is work, and ultimately the idea that if the activity isn’t leading to income, it’s not important.
As a result I’ve put on an extra 20 lbs that feels like it won’t budge and I have some troubling numbers that have shown up in my bloodwork. WHAT!? I identify as a very healthy person. People used to think I was 10 years younger than I am. Not anymore.
Something in me asks: What happened? Then, the critical, self-deprecating voice jumps in and says DUH—you don’t exercise enough, you don’t cook like you used to or meditate…what did you expect?
True. But not helpful.
Then while in the shower yesterday morning, I had an epiphany.
As I was thinking, I wish I didn’t feel this sense of overwhelm every morning, with more to do than I can possibly complete in a day, a new thought came to me:
I don’t have to feel this way! It’s self-inflicted. I have control over my to-do list and whether to even show up to anything I have scheduled.
That’s not to say I would pull no-shows on scheduled live meetings, but…recorded sessions, my own marketing, social plans? one of that has to be so heavy that compound my already elevated stress levels. and I sacrifice my own well-being.
A small thought. A simple thought. A logical one.
Yet that moment in the shower yesterday where this new thought came in gave me permission to put myself first—over profits, perceived obligations or some inner sense of guilt.
I guess I had to reach a sort of desperate state where the ridiculousness of the “prison” I put myself in revealed itself as fictitious, freeing me to write a different story and live life on my terms.
Do you live in a prison of your own creation?
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